.: Oct. 12th, 2025 :. ~~ writing more abt this day soon!
todsy i went to the ren fair for the first time ever! i feel refreshed. also, fear not. my death note hyperfixation came back in full swing today. its really weird. all of a sudden i cannot stop yapping about mello to my friends. yapping level is catostrophic. ill tell more abt this day later tho as im tired! cya!
.: Oct. 11th, 2025 :. ~~ sometimes im here sometimes im not
i dissociate like its a drug. sometimes im here sometimes im not. suffering is just a regular tuesday.
when the people at school bother me i just dont react to it much anymore! my friends will give me advice, telling me to be confident and tell them to fuck off. but its been so many years theyve done this bullshit, i dont even react to it. then people ask me why?? why didnt u speak out?? why'd you just stand there? because it doesnt really bring any emotion, i just see it and say "ugh, people being annoying again." this happens for a lot of other things. it makes me feel weird.
its like sometimes ill feel emotion, sometimes ill stop feeling it.
I think im mentally burnt out or something, because of school and all. Im not thinking abt my hyperfixations or making as much art because of the mental exhaustion, or because im too busy. it suuuuuuuucks...
And for some reason, when im dealing with a child n stuff, and they start crying or complaining, i have to put in effort to not just start dissociating or standing there. I just grow apathetic. Im not genuinely angry at them, im just like, "ugh. they were messing with the thing again even when i told them to stop."
I feel so bad about this, but when children cry, i either freeze up, or want to yell SHUT UP! because it brings back traumatic memories, so i then put effort into being comforting, just like how i wanted to be when i was crying in those times. i want to help instead of get more angry. i dont wanna yell at kids. it feels pointless.
Expressing emotions is really difficult for me nowadays. Im either dissociating and apathetic, or bawling my eyes out, showing it all. its like i have some sort of switch.
One of the things getting me through stuff the most at the moment is the cyberpunk 2070s ttrpg campaign me and my friends have been doing for the past few weeks. I love it so much. I feel motivated to do things just so id be free saturday at noon for the next session. I randomly stopped thinking abt death note as much which is super weird for me because i literally think abt it ALL THE TIME but i think im losing interest out of nowhere, and idk if its cuz im mentally burned out, too busy, just in a weird era of my life, or legitimately losing the hyperfixation. It makes me sad! I miss the excitement of thinking about headcanons, AUs, ships, analyses and theories abt death note. Now i just dont feel it as much at all. But, the thing that has been bringing me quite the excitement has been thinking about me and my friends cyberpunk story and characters. I might make a shrine about my netrunner character, Siddie, soon. hehehe. I love him so muchhhhh!!
life has been chaotic, and i feel indifferent to it, but also entirely crushed by it all. buut yea anyways thats all i wanna write abt today ^_^
extra thing, but i feel like i might be mildly depressed? but in a weird way?? sigh. hey, at least its not my horrible winter depression.
when the people at school bother me i just dont react to it much anymore! my friends will give me advice, telling me to be confident and tell them to fuck off. but its been so many years theyve done this bullshit, i dont even react to it. then people ask me why?? why didnt u speak out?? why'd you just stand there? because it doesnt really bring any emotion, i just see it and say "ugh, people being annoying again." this happens for a lot of other things. it makes me feel weird.
its like sometimes ill feel emotion, sometimes ill stop feeling it.
I think im mentally burnt out or something, because of school and all. Im not thinking abt my hyperfixations or making as much art because of the mental exhaustion, or because im too busy. it suuuuuuuucks...
And for some reason, when im dealing with a child n stuff, and they start crying or complaining, i have to put in effort to not just start dissociating or standing there. I just grow apathetic. Im not genuinely angry at them, im just like, "ugh. they were messing with the thing again even when i told them to stop."
I feel so bad about this, but when children cry, i either freeze up, or want to yell SHUT UP! because it brings back traumatic memories, so i then put effort into being comforting, just like how i wanted to be when i was crying in those times. i want to help instead of get more angry. i dont wanna yell at kids. it feels pointless.
Expressing emotions is really difficult for me nowadays. Im either dissociating and apathetic, or bawling my eyes out, showing it all. its like i have some sort of switch.
One of the things getting me through stuff the most at the moment is the cyberpunk 2070s ttrpg campaign me and my friends have been doing for the past few weeks. I love it so much. I feel motivated to do things just so id be free saturday at noon for the next session. I randomly stopped thinking abt death note as much which is super weird for me because i literally think abt it ALL THE TIME but i think im losing interest out of nowhere, and idk if its cuz im mentally burned out, too busy, just in a weird era of my life, or legitimately losing the hyperfixation. It makes me sad! I miss the excitement of thinking about headcanons, AUs, ships, analyses and theories abt death note. Now i just dont feel it as much at all. But, the thing that has been bringing me quite the excitement has been thinking about me and my friends cyberpunk story and characters. I might make a shrine about my netrunner character, Siddie, soon. hehehe. I love him so muchhhhh!!
life has been chaotic, and i feel indifferent to it, but also entirely crushed by it all. buut yea anyways thats all i wanna write abt today ^_^
extra thing, but i feel like i might be mildly depressed? but in a weird way?? sigh. hey, at least its not my horrible winter depression.
.: Oct. 7th, 2025 :. ~~ "is your blue my red" ass blog entry i guess. oh yeah and weed is cool
“just love yourself” “just be confident in yourself” “dont care what others say” thanks for the advice it helps. except for the fact that i can’t tell what’s the objective reality and the subjective reality anymore. if 25 people call me ugly, and i myself think im pretty, and 1 other person says im pretty, then… is the objective reality observed by others that im ugly? or is my beauty always subjective? is everything they say subjective? if 25 people say i have noodle arms, and i think im strong, and one other person thinks so too, then is the objective reality that i have noodle arms? because if thats what humans say, then is it what everyone else sees too? if i tell myself positive things, am i actually lying? am i deluding myself? or are all the positive things i think of myself true? which thing matters more, my opinion of myself, or others opinion of me? what if im the only one in the universe who thinks im beautiful? is this loving myself, or is it delusion?
is it just me not believing it, but the objective reality is, im really cool? or, is me thinking im cool a lie, and the objective reality is that im a weird freak who should never be friends with anyone? or, is everything subjective? is me saying im cool subjective, or fact?
“don’t overthink it” but like i seriously don’t know???
i feel like im lying to myself sometimes??
am i allowed to think positive thoughts about myself when everyone else i meet say bad things about me?
fuck. well, my cat and my little brother think the world of me. no matter what. even with every flaw and all my quirks i have. so at least i have that ~~~~~~
me after saying “im tired” in every vent for the past year:
i wonder how long ill be tired… the rest of my life? maybe when things get better ill be a little less tired
RANDOM SIDE TANGENT THAT IS KIND OF RELATED!!!
im just gonna say!! marijuana has some typa shit in it. i got high once, right? i haven’t felt that happy since i was a kid. it literally felt like the world just lifted from my shoulders. anyways dont do drugs kids stay in school eat your vegetables
is it just me not believing it, but the objective reality is, im really cool? or, is me thinking im cool a lie, and the objective reality is that im a weird freak who should never be friends with anyone? or, is everything subjective? is me saying im cool subjective, or fact?
“don’t overthink it” but like i seriously don’t know???
i feel like im lying to myself sometimes??
am i allowed to think positive thoughts about myself when everyone else i meet say bad things about me?
fuck. well, my cat and my little brother think the world of me. no matter what. even with every flaw and all my quirks i have. so at least i have that ~~~~~~
me after saying “im tired” in every vent for the past year:
i wonder how long ill be tired… the rest of my life? maybe when things get better ill be a little less tired
RANDOM SIDE TANGENT THAT IS KIND OF RELATED!!!
im just gonna say!! marijuana has some typa shit in it. i got high once, right? i haven’t felt that happy since i was a kid. it literally felt like the world just lifted from my shoulders. anyways dont do drugs kids stay in school eat your vegetables
.: Aug. 2nd 2025 :. ~~ hot takes (warning: adhdful tangents)
okay everyine heres some hot takes of mine!!!!
1. the cookie part of the oreo is the best part
2. pineapple pizza is good
3. pizza is overrated unless its made by my friend with their pizza oven
4. 2nd half of death note is great its just the anime was sloppy with it and people watch the death note anime more than they read the manga so they automatically trash on every character and scene from the 2nd half and it pisses me off because everyone would love these characters a lot more if the anime handled the 2nd half with CARE AGHHHHHHHHHHH
5. about death note ships, holy shit. the amount of hate for meronia is RIDICULOUS. "but mello is 18 and near is 12!!" "but they hate each other!!" "but i see them as sibling coded!! itd be incest in my mind" "but nears just a wittle baby and mellos an angry grrr 127813879 year old man"
first of all, mello and near are 2 YEARS APART. in the timeskip when mello is 19 turning 20 (which the timeskip takes place around late 2009), near is 18. both of age. in similar walks of life.
second of all, near and mello are NOT biological siblings, so yes, they are able to fall in love and possibly date.
third of all, "but they hate each other!!" mello is nears favorite person in the whole world, he gives him protection, he makes puppets of him, admires him a bit, and even kept his only existing photograph for years on end. he canonically ate chocolate in homage to mello after he died.
mello doesn't geniunely hate near, he just has severe jealousy issues of him. he tries to convince himself he hates near, but doesnt want to come to terms and admit he does admire near's natural skills and intelligence. before mello died, he was on a call with halle about near wanting to use the death note on himself to make kira strike a move to reveal themselves. you would have expected mello to get excited and take on the case for himself afterward, right?
...nope. instead he laments in his chair thinking of what to do as he's on the call, and comes to a solution to kidnap takada, make himself known, have matt as a distraction to takadas bodyguards and paparazzi, and then burn alive in the mailtruck after takada wrote down mellos name, and after mikami wrote takadas name.
which ends up being one of the main things that allowed Near to identify Kira and take him down in the end because of what Light considers Mikamis unneccessary killing.
i actually had a whole essay about this for my english class lol. i may need to double check details here, so sorry if anything is incorrect.
anyways thats proof that Mello in the end cares more about Kira being caught rather than his childish hate of Near and the eventual defeating of Near. And a major showing of Mello's humanity, and his "soft heart", as described in death note volume 13: how to read.
oh forgot to mention, also many valid reasons to ship meronia, it just makes fucking sense. this is coming from a mellodramattic shipper which i ship instead for lotsa reasons, but if ur a meronia fan, know i have ur back. so tired of m2 shippers putting "meronia dni i just hate u guys" in their bios and shit like cmon.
i got really carried away!!! well now you know cj death note autism unleashed... eheh. i dont wanna make this longer than i made it already, so ill sign off. cya later!!
i may do more hot takes posts cuz i have a lot more lol
1. the cookie part of the oreo is the best part
2. pineapple pizza is good
3. pizza is overrated unless its made by my friend with their pizza oven
4. 2nd half of death note is great its just the anime was sloppy with it and people watch the death note anime more than they read the manga so they automatically trash on every character and scene from the 2nd half and it pisses me off because everyone would love these characters a lot more if the anime handled the 2nd half with CARE AGHHHHHHHHHHH
5. about death note ships, holy shit. the amount of hate for meronia is RIDICULOUS. "but mello is 18 and near is 12!!" "but they hate each other!!" "but i see them as sibling coded!! itd be incest in my mind" "but nears just a wittle baby and mellos an angry grrr 127813879 year old man"
first of all, mello and near are 2 YEARS APART. in the timeskip when mello is 19 turning 20 (which the timeskip takes place around late 2009), near is 18. both of age. in similar walks of life.
second of all, near and mello are NOT biological siblings, so yes, they are able to fall in love and possibly date.
third of all, "but they hate each other!!" mello is nears favorite person in the whole world, he gives him protection, he makes puppets of him, admires him a bit, and even kept his only existing photograph for years on end. he canonically ate chocolate in homage to mello after he died.
mello doesn't geniunely hate near, he just has severe jealousy issues of him. he tries to convince himself he hates near, but doesnt want to come to terms and admit he does admire near's natural skills and intelligence. before mello died, he was on a call with halle about near wanting to use the death note on himself to make kira strike a move to reveal themselves. you would have expected mello to get excited and take on the case for himself afterward, right?
...nope. instead he laments in his chair thinking of what to do as he's on the call, and comes to a solution to kidnap takada, make himself known, have matt as a distraction to takadas bodyguards and paparazzi, and then burn alive in the mailtruck after takada wrote down mellos name, and after mikami wrote takadas name.
which ends up being one of the main things that allowed Near to identify Kira and take him down in the end because of what Light considers Mikamis unneccessary killing.
i actually had a whole essay about this for my english class lol. i may need to double check details here, so sorry if anything is incorrect.
anyways thats proof that Mello in the end cares more about Kira being caught rather than his childish hate of Near and the eventual defeating of Near. And a major showing of Mello's humanity, and his "soft heart", as described in death note volume 13: how to read.
oh forgot to mention, also many valid reasons to ship meronia, it just makes fucking sense. this is coming from a mellodramattic shipper which i ship instead for lotsa reasons, but if ur a meronia fan, know i have ur back. so tired of m2 shippers putting "meronia dni i just hate u guys" in their bios and shit like cmon.
i got really carried away!!! well now you know cj death note autism unleashed... eheh. i dont wanna make this longer than i made it already, so ill sign off. cya later!!
i may do more hot takes posts cuz i have a lot more lol
.: Aug. 1st 2025 :. ~~ exhausted
alas, i am too lazy to style my blog posts as im kinda tired and its 2:30am.
anyways im just gonna say it. im sooooooo imeasurably fucking tired of everything man.
everywhere i look, theres always some shit happening… politicians wanting to erase people like me and our voices, stupid fucking tiktok “trends” about bringing back bullying, being the only thing i see everywhere, every day, are people talking about how (as someone living in the USA) the economy sucks, gen z are barely surviving in the world, the push of censorship of marginalized people through the KOSA bill, online safety act in the UK etc those typa “laws”… the wars happening between Palestine and Israel… transphobia and homophobia growing larger and larger with each passing day… horrible enormities/inhumanities in general happening all over the world.
stripping us people of our voice, inching closer to what could become a boot stomping on your face, forever.
the internet being a widely accessible place to be shoved in the woes of 8 billion people. the internet being a widely accessible place for an overwhelming amount of information, negative, positive, whatever type it is, to be shoved into the human brain that has its own limits.
not necessarily just the world around me, though! and i haven’t even said the whole list of things!
theres also my personal struggles at the moment. having to be a closeted trans and queer person in my family, and the imeasurable pain of not being able to be my true identity until i have my own autonomy, the imeasurable pain of the gender dysphoria… being pressured to grow up fast, already know how to drive a car, get a job, etc. etc. and know everything about being an adult by 18 and doing it all perfectly, dealing with school bullies or assholes, dealing with undiagnosed, unaccomadated, and non medicated auDHD in a world that constantly… constantlyyyy makes me feel less valued just for not being able to function as well as a neurotypical in a world CLEARLY built for only them :,)
idk if i feel like listing more things just like a bunch of shit going on and like
im just so fucking tired
but despite that, i wont give up in speaking for others, advocating for things i support, even if i cant do much due to my current circumstances, and i wont give up just wanting to make the world a better place.
i wont be erased either. because yea im trans and stuff but im still a fucking human just as you by the way?? no one should have to go through that!
uhh tangent but im just gonna say here all us trans people want is to express ourselves and get through it all in this world just as you do. we just don’t feel aligned with the sex assigned at birth. we cannot help it, its not a fucking mental illness. its not something that should be seen as making someone ill at all actually. if you get past ignorance you realize gender dysphoria is just a natural human feeling, just as being homosexual is also a natural human feeling, and a natural thing that happens to millions of species on Earth. gender dysphoria is a real struggle but in the end from the euphoria we get we find our true selves. we find confidence and happiness and fulfillment. it should be seen as a beautiful thing for us trans people to find that self discovery, not an illness. you wouldn’t consider finding a better outfit that totally fits you and makes you feel good aside from the outfit you hated earlier as someone being deranged and ill right???
anyways side tangent over. sowwy abt dat.
no matter what the world throws at me ill never stop being compassionate and strong and trying/doing the best i can and trying/being the best person i can be, i wont disappear. even if i get hit with some horrible depression that leaves me bedridden, stopping my productivity, yadayada. even if i make mistakes, yk? even if i mess up in doing so, because of the aforementioned things, i strive to learn from my mistakes. i think we all should, no matter if it takes a day, a week, months, or even years to realize it was wrong. none of us are perfect but we gotta at least put practice into being better.
i know that sounds cheesy and rainbows and unicorns as shit but really, you have the capability of being stronger today, and moving on and learning and becoming better and going on to great things.
man in this dark world it just brings us all so much hope to find people that are kind and also do what i just uhhh whats the word “explained” is too boring… its 3am who gives
this goes out to my best friends and anyone who’s ever been there for me ever
we’re in this together as well. dont let the things thrown at you put u down
on a side note thank you caydence on neocities for inspiring me to write abt shit i lowkey just FELT yk like it made me realize that like. blogs are a space for writing how u feel and all even if its random shower thoughts or something philosiphical or even that you think jellyfish speak german cuz its a scrunkly language (actual tumblr post i made once) anyways im eepy
anyways im just gonna say it. im sooooooo imeasurably fucking tired of everything man.
everywhere i look, theres always some shit happening… politicians wanting to erase people like me and our voices, stupid fucking tiktok “trends” about bringing back bullying, being the only thing i see everywhere, every day, are people talking about how (as someone living in the USA) the economy sucks, gen z are barely surviving in the world, the push of censorship of marginalized people through the KOSA bill, online safety act in the UK etc those typa “laws”… the wars happening between Palestine and Israel… transphobia and homophobia growing larger and larger with each passing day… horrible enormities/inhumanities in general happening all over the world.
stripping us people of our voice, inching closer to what could become a boot stomping on your face, forever.
the internet being a widely accessible place to be shoved in the woes of 8 billion people. the internet being a widely accessible place for an overwhelming amount of information, negative, positive, whatever type it is, to be shoved into the human brain that has its own limits.
not necessarily just the world around me, though! and i haven’t even said the whole list of things!
theres also my personal struggles at the moment. having to be a closeted trans and queer person in my family, and the imeasurable pain of not being able to be my true identity until i have my own autonomy, the imeasurable pain of the gender dysphoria… being pressured to grow up fast, already know how to drive a car, get a job, etc. etc. and know everything about being an adult by 18 and doing it all perfectly, dealing with school bullies or assholes, dealing with undiagnosed, unaccomadated, and non medicated auDHD in a world that constantly… constantlyyyy makes me feel less valued just for not being able to function as well as a neurotypical in a world CLEARLY built for only them :,)
idk if i feel like listing more things just like a bunch of shit going on and like
im just so fucking tired
but despite that, i wont give up in speaking for others, advocating for things i support, even if i cant do much due to my current circumstances, and i wont give up just wanting to make the world a better place.
i wont be erased either. because yea im trans and stuff but im still a fucking human just as you by the way?? no one should have to go through that!
uhh tangent but im just gonna say here all us trans people want is to express ourselves and get through it all in this world just as you do. we just don’t feel aligned with the sex assigned at birth. we cannot help it, its not a fucking mental illness. its not something that should be seen as making someone ill at all actually. if you get past ignorance you realize gender dysphoria is just a natural human feeling, just as being homosexual is also a natural human feeling, and a natural thing that happens to millions of species on Earth. gender dysphoria is a real struggle but in the end from the euphoria we get we find our true selves. we find confidence and happiness and fulfillment. it should be seen as a beautiful thing for us trans people to find that self discovery, not an illness. you wouldn’t consider finding a better outfit that totally fits you and makes you feel good aside from the outfit you hated earlier as someone being deranged and ill right???
anyways side tangent over. sowwy abt dat.
no matter what the world throws at me ill never stop being compassionate and strong and trying/doing the best i can and trying/being the best person i can be, i wont disappear. even if i get hit with some horrible depression that leaves me bedridden, stopping my productivity, yadayada. even if i make mistakes, yk? even if i mess up in doing so, because of the aforementioned things, i strive to learn from my mistakes. i think we all should, no matter if it takes a day, a week, months, or even years to realize it was wrong. none of us are perfect but we gotta at least put practice into being better.
i know that sounds cheesy and rainbows and unicorns as shit but really, you have the capability of being stronger today, and moving on and learning and becoming better and going on to great things.
man in this dark world it just brings us all so much hope to find people that are kind and also do what i just uhhh whats the word “explained” is too boring… its 3am who gives
this goes out to my best friends and anyone who’s ever been there for me ever
we’re in this together as well. dont let the things thrown at you put u down
on a side note thank you caydence on neocities for inspiring me to write abt shit i lowkey just FELT yk like it made me realize that like. blogs are a space for writing how u feel and all even if its random shower thoughts or something philosiphical or even that you think jellyfish speak german cuz its a scrunkly language (actual tumblr post i made once) anyways im eepy